What will they remember?

Good morning Momma,
    I was waking up this morning earlier than the alarm as usual, and I snuggled down into the blankets with Will.  I started thinking about what he would remember when he was my age or when I am gone....  I know he is just a baby now and he will remember nothing at all from the last year or from the two following years but in life what are the things that will stick with him.  I am quite sure that all people are wired differently so given the same situation each will remember something slightly different.  So I have four chances to have one of them say I was a miserable mom.  All of this got me to thinking about you and what I remembered of you when I was little or even kinda grown.
     My brain first went to the time I was in that pageant and I was so very nervous.  I had to have an escort for one of the categories and nowhere in the material did it say that there would be some extra escorts there if the contestant was not able to find or bring one.  I remember having my shoulders glued to my ears and my stomach in knots all the time and then you walked with me and it was almost fun.  You rented that white with blue tux and I think it was almost as much as the fees to get in.  I didn't win really anything but I have that moment when the sideways world of the moment was righted when I was on your arm.  That is worth more than any title I could have won.
     I remember going to work with you for so many hours because I didn't want to be anywhere else.  I remember when I had my necklace stolen off of my neck and you held me because I was afraid and Grandma scolded you for coddling me.  I wonder if you were holding me for me or for you.  It just occured to me that if something was stolen off of one of my girls I would think of all the things that could have happened to them and I may not let them go for some time either.  I wonder why you didn't tell Grandma to stick it.  I remember a lot of time in the car.  Sometimes we were going to something fun but mostly we were coming home and we would have great adventures.  We were the best adventurers ever.  I want mine to feel that they and I were the best something ever.
     Today is going to be a new adventure for all of us and I wonder if in 25 years they will think about it.  I just don't know.  I love you.  I wish you could see them.  Aly misses you so much.  I wonder if she will remember you when she is grown.  I know she was your sparkle and she is mine also.  Rest well.

puzzle work

Mom,
    Hi!  This morning I woke up with the strangest idea in my head.  I was watching God's hand come down and place a puzzle piece in the picture of my life.  It was not the current new piece but the last.  I think that He was allowing me to see, in a way that I could grasp, His hand at work.  I was certain that I was put in Mandi's life so that I could help her through.  I was sure that I was being called to friendship for a time.  I was sure that she needed someone right then and that God was providing me as that someone.  I am full of myself sometimes.  Anyway that is how I have been looking at this thing.  I wouldn't need anyone of course.  I would never need someone to help me along the way... I am always the one that is giving. Right? Right?!?  Maybe I am just a little wrong this time.  I was the one you needed so when you went home it was a good thing. Right?  I can not grieve because you were the one who needed me. Right?  I can not be sad because I did what God had wanted me to and I was everything that I could be for you.  I did my job and that job is over.  God has taken you home.  And that is the end right?  Wrong... I need you.  You left me.  I can try to blame you but the truth is it was your time.  There was no reason for you to have died.  There were problems and you got an infection but no reason you should not have been able to fight.  Maybe you saw a glimpse of heaven and all the desire to live drained from you.  I don't know and won't know.  What I do know is that if I am going to be able to get back to some sort of interactive life I will have to admit how much I needed you and how much it is not ok with me that you are gone.  Mandi is the puzzle piece that God placed in my life to help me live through you leaving.  She is now leaving and I feel this immense sense of loss. It is more than a friend moving away. It is you.  I feel you leaving me.  I can no longer be strong.  I can no longer feel happy that you are in heaven because for me you are gone and for me in my heart that is all that matters.  In my head I am happy you are perfect and happy finally but in my heart there is a dagger.  A wound that is going to take time to heal.  It is not going to heal from the outside in but from the inside out.  It is going to hurt so very much. I know now thanks to my vision that God is working to place the perfect puzzle piece next.  I do not know what it will be but He loves me and I am sure it will be good.  I am so glad you are with Him because He is the only one I would trust to take care of you.  Rest well momma I will come see you when my days are done but for now we will just have to settle for one way letters.

Kadi is so big... 5'7.  What am I going to do with her.  She is very sensitive and wounds easily.  I will be careful to love her tenderly.

Emmali is so sweet.... Aly misses you and I am so sad she will forget you.  Will is the boy I wanted.

I love you and will write soon.

Mom,
    I have not talked to you for a while now and so I am writing to tell you what is going on.  I have this friend you know the one that I was helping when you were in the hospital, well she is going back to Japan on Tuesday morning and I am really sad.  I never thought that I would lose you and now I feel like I am losing my friend also.  I am so sad right  now and I miss you so much.  Today Kadi said "Mama I am going to miss them" and I tried to comfort her while she was talking.  Then I thought about calling you to tell me what it was you used to say to me when we went away and left friends.  I realized how much I couldn't remember about all the people that we knew from each of our homes.  I have to wonder if that is a defence that I have made to deal with not wanting to lose anyone again.  I don't know how to navigate this water of parenthood without you.  I know that Carolyn is trying to make me feel better and fill up the place that is hurting so badly but it is just not the same.  I hope you are sitting at the feet of Jesus so filled with love.  I hope you are spending your time getting to know my three babies that you get to hold and I do not.  I hope you are with your dad and laughing you butt off.  I loved you, I love you and I will love you until I see you again.  You can bring me my babies and we can love on them together.  Talk to you soon I hope next time I have something happier to say to you.