puzzle work

Mom,
    Hi!  This morning I woke up with the strangest idea in my head.  I was watching God's hand come down and place a puzzle piece in the picture of my life.  It was not the current new piece but the last.  I think that He was allowing me to see, in a way that I could grasp, His hand at work.  I was certain that I was put in Mandi's life so that I could help her through.  I was sure that I was being called to friendship for a time.  I was sure that she needed someone right then and that God was providing me as that someone.  I am full of myself sometimes.  Anyway that is how I have been looking at this thing.  I wouldn't need anyone of course.  I would never need someone to help me along the way... I am always the one that is giving. Right? Right?!?  Maybe I am just a little wrong this time.  I was the one you needed so when you went home it was a good thing. Right?  I can not grieve because you were the one who needed me. Right?  I can not be sad because I did what God had wanted me to and I was everything that I could be for you.  I did my job and that job is over.  God has taken you home.  And that is the end right?  Wrong... I need you.  You left me.  I can try to blame you but the truth is it was your time.  There was no reason for you to have died.  There were problems and you got an infection but no reason you should not have been able to fight.  Maybe you saw a glimpse of heaven and all the desire to live drained from you.  I don't know and won't know.  What I do know is that if I am going to be able to get back to some sort of interactive life I will have to admit how much I needed you and how much it is not ok with me that you are gone.  Mandi is the puzzle piece that God placed in my life to help me live through you leaving.  She is now leaving and I feel this immense sense of loss. It is more than a friend moving away. It is you.  I feel you leaving me.  I can no longer be strong.  I can no longer feel happy that you are in heaven because for me you are gone and for me in my heart that is all that matters.  In my head I am happy you are perfect and happy finally but in my heart there is a dagger.  A wound that is going to take time to heal.  It is not going to heal from the outside in but from the inside out.  It is going to hurt so very much. I know now thanks to my vision that God is working to place the perfect puzzle piece next.  I do not know what it will be but He loves me and I am sure it will be good.  I am so glad you are with Him because He is the only one I would trust to take care of you.  Rest well momma I will come see you when my days are done but for now we will just have to settle for one way letters.

Kadi is so big... 5'7.  What am I going to do with her.  She is very sensitive and wounds easily.  I will be careful to love her tenderly.

Emmali is so sweet.... Aly misses you and I am so sad she will forget you.  Will is the boy I wanted.

I love you and will write soon.